GET YOURSELF FREE

With apologies to Paul “Gundwani” Simon.

The problem is all inside your head
She said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I’d like to help you in your struggle
To be free
There must be fifty ways
To ditch your character.

She said remember you’re the author
of your work
And playing god with them has
Always been a perk
You don’t want imaginary people
Treating you just like a jerk
There must be fifty ways
To kill your character

[CHORUS]
Just nuke them from space, Grace
Make a new plot, Dot
Pretend they got lost, Joss
Just get yourself free
Put em on a bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just let them fade, Jade
And get yourself free

It really is pathetic that your own
creations cause you pain
I wish there was something I could do
To make you smile again
I said I appreciate that
If you’d just repeat the refrain
About the fifty ways…

She said why don’t we both
Just sleep on it tonight
And I believe in the morning
You’ll begin to see the light
And then she edited the chapter
And I realised that she was right
There must be fifty ways
To kill your character.

[CHORUS 2]
You just stab them in the back, Jack
Get them all hitched, Rich
Don’t need to justify, Tye
Just get yourself free
Let them ascend, Brend
It don’t need to make sense much.
Put them in a coma, Rona
And get yourself free.

[CHORUS 3]
Have them fall ill. Jill
Stuff them in fridge, Bridge
Have a psycho make a call, Paul
And get yourself rid.
Marry them off, Joff
You don’t have to explain much
Nail them to a tree, Dee
And get yourself free.

YOU’VE GOT TO WRITE A SEQUEL OR TWO

EDITOR (spoken)]
You see, Scribbler…

[sung] In this life, one thing counts
On the shelves, large amounts
I’m afraid these don’t grow on trees,
You’ve got to write a sequel or two

You’ve got to write a sequel or two, boys,
You’ve got to write a sequel or two.

[WRITERS]
Large amounts don’t grow on trees.
You’ve got to write a sequel or two.

[EDITOR (spoken)]
Let’s show Scribbler how it’s done, shall we, my dears?

[sung] Why should we break our backs
Stupidly checking facts?
Better get some chapters done.
Better write a sequel or two.

You’ve got to write a sequel or two, boys,
You’ve got to write a sequel or two.

[WRITERS]
Why should we all break our backs?
Better write a sequel or two.

[EDITOR (spoken)]
Who says crime doesn’t pay?

[sung] Conan Doyle what a fool!
Threw his hero in a pool.
Literature’s fine, if you’ve got the time.
Get out and write a sequel or two.

You’ve got to write a sequel or two, boys,
You’ve got to write a sequel or two.

[WRITERS]
Conan Doyle missed his chance.
He had to write a sequel or two.

[EDITOR]
Take a tip from Patterson
He can sit back while it’s done
But I recall, he started small
He had to write a sequel or two.

You’ve got to write a sequel or two, boys,
You’ve got to write a sequel or two.

[WRITERS]
We can be like Jim Patterson
If we write a sequel or two.

[EDITOR]
When I see a genre niche,
Both my thumbs start to itch
Only to find some peace of mind
We have to write a sequel or two.

You’ve got to write a sequel or two, boys
You’ve got to write a sequel or two.

[WRITERS]
Just to find some peace of mind

[EDITOR AND WRITERS]
We have to write a sequel or two.

THE DEADLINE SONG

It’s not easy writing your novels to deadlines.
Keeping up those plot positions
Watching out that they all transition
Plot and rewrite both at the same time.
Smells like subplots I’ve forgotten
Curled up died and now their rotten

I’m not an editor tonight
Don’t want to lose that word count
’m getting careless, baby
And you’re not in the last third

CHORUS
I can’t decide
Whether this scene lives or dies
Oh, it’ll prob’ly be in the sequel
Or a short story on the side
No wonder why
My brain feels dead inside
My thoughts are all emulsified
Lock the doors and close the blinds
We’re running out of time.

It’s a bitch convincing people to read you
If I stop now call me a quitter
If I wrote less I’d be much fitter
Pleasing everyone isn’t likely
Banging keyboards till I’m crippled.
Read reviews until I’m fickle

I’ve got to hand it to you
You’re in all the outlines
But my characters surprised me
And you’re no longer necessary

CHORUS

Oh I could throw you in the bin
Or just simply do you in
But the readers might miss you when you’re gone
I could spin you off a series
But the publisher might query
Whether anyone would buy them…
That’s why….